GARY MAI

love has no obligations. fear is full of obligations. in the track of fear, whatever we do is because we have to do it, and we expect other people to do something because they have to do it. we have the obligation, and as soon as we have to, we resist it. the more resistance we have, the more we suffer. sooner or later, we try to escape our obligations. on the other hand, love has no resistance. whatever we do it because we want to do it. it becomes a pleasure; 
love has no expectations. fear is full of expectations. with fear we do things because we expect that we have to, and we expect that others are going to do the same. that is why fear hurts and love doesnt hurt. we expect something and if it doesnt happen, we feel hurt-it isnt fair. we blame others for not fulfilling out expectations. when we love, we dont have expectations; we do it because we want to, and if other people do it or not, its because they want to or not and its nothing personal. when we dont expect something to happen, if nothing happens, its not important. we dont feel hurt, because whatever happens is okay. that is why hardly anything hurts us when we are in love.;; we arent expecting that out lover will do something, and we have no obligations.

holy moly all the co-pays for the doctors are adding up and i gotta keep going back. AND i cant skimp on food cus if i dont eat more i will seriously vanish into thin air lol and it seems every single time i step out the door it starts raining. the frequency is amazing! luckily i like rain. still having trouble sleeping but we will see what happens. THE AC BROKE. *dies*

Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I’ll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day

to be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. this creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be. the compulsion arises because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. both are illusions.

every 11:11 i make the same wish, probably will not come true though. 

humans believe in so many lies that even the smallest thing becomes a big demon that makes us suffer. usually its just a judgement, and mainly its a self judgement. “poor me. look what happened to me when i was nine years old. look what happened to me last night!” well, whatever happened in your past is not the truth anymore. it could be the most horrible thing, but right now its not truth, because right now is the only truth you live in. whatever happened in your past is in the virtual reality, and whatever happened to your body was healed long ago, but the mind can make you suffer and live in shame for years.

so true, but also much easier said than done. had a very hard time breathing today. almost suffocated in smoke also, but thats another story, aside from the whole day of having trouble breathing lol had a few setbacks yesterday and today, but im trying my best, and its the most i can ask of myself.

whatever you need to know about the unconscious past in you, the challenges of the present will bring it out. if you delve in to the past, it will become a bottomless pit:there is always more. you may think that you need more time to understand the past or become free of it, in other words, that the future will eventually free you of the past. this is a delusion. only the present can free you of the past. more time cannot set you free.

got off meds. it causes weight loss and i cant afford that. im down 3 pants sizes but i already feel more alert after stopping the pills. knees hurt from the mist.

1) mist. beautiful and mysterious
2) sunsets. an amazing sight for anyone willing to look
3) carnivals. having one stop by? is this real?
4) pain. to make you feel alive.
5) my bike. what would i do without it? 

is it the real you who creates all the drama and suffering in your life? if it the real you who says “Life is a valley of tears, and come here to suffer?” is it the real you who judges yourself and punishes yourself, and invite other people to punish you, too? is it the real you who abuses your body? is it the real you who doesnt even like yourself? is it real the real you who’s dreaming all that?
set goals for yourself, have faith in your true self that you can make a happier dream, gary!

1) park benches to sit on
2) the smell of grass after it rains
3) bees to pollinate the flowers on this earth
4) enjoy inventions and creations of humanity, a collective mind
5) big hearts, self explanatory :) 

What is speech without truth?

of course, when the truth arrives in your own story, everything you believe feels threatened. fear takes over and says, “Help! The entire structure of my life, everything I’ve ever believed in, is falling apart. What am I going to do without all my lies? If I don’t believe everything anymore, if I don’t gossip anymore, I’ll have nothing to say.” Exactly! That’s the point. 

1) My perspective on family. I dont have a perfect family, in fact my dad’s side has always wanted to harm my mother, brother, and I, but im blessed to have perspective that a family shouldn’t be like this. I wont try to change my family, but I wont deny their existence either. What i can do is learn from how i feel they can improve and change these aspects when its my turn to have a family.
2) the fresh air of nature. I dont get it much living in NYC, but it makes it that much sweeter when i do get to smell it. nature is beautiful
3) grape soda. sometimes the simple things can make a guy really happy lol i LOVE my grape soda
4) seasons. how beautiful is nature! a delicate balance, many aspects of life are renewed according to the seasons and this is magical
5) Prospect. the prospect of meeting new wonderful people, or just getting to know acquaintances and discovering the beauty inside them

the path to happiness
a long and arduous journey
the torch that once guided me decided to burn no longer
accustomed to its warmth, taking it for granted
not realizing a torch cant burn on its own forever
it burned til it could burn no longer and just like that
it went out.
though, not before the last piece of cloth fell
to scorch and scar my hand
i panic before the prospect of change
but i bandage up my scar and look deep into my soul
torch extinguished or not, the journey is not over
hard pressed to reignite the dead flame
impossible at least at this point in time
the only thing to do now is to accept it 
i soon discover that i had what i needed inside of me 
my heart can keep me warm, my spirit is strong
as i grow strong, the less intimidating the path ahead becomes
without my torch, i cant see too far ahead
but im not scared.
one step at a time,
i will not only face the obstacles on this path
but will embrace and enjoy them for exactly what they are. 

who knows, maybe the end of the path leads to a flint factory :p 

i was talking to some girl i know. she told me she used to like me but was glad she never got with me. i asked her why. she said it was because i cursed out some girl and she didnt want to be that girl. i agreed with her and i said good call on her part. I didn’t feel guilt, i know i still have a lot to work on in terms of how i present myself. what i did feel though was sympathy. I felt bad for how long Caitlin had to put up with my behavior and could only imagine how she felt when i would randomly put her down. I mean my heart was always in the right place, she was always number one and i thought of her as my queen. I put her first in everything, would never cheat, would think about her anytime i stumbled across anything cute that i thought she would like, and would picture our future together. but these thoughts didnt manifest into actions in terms of how i would treat her. Because of my stubbornness, a beautiful human being had to endure such immense suffering. I think the best apology i can give give to caitlin is to improve as a person and treat everyone around me with the respect and love that i now know i am capable of sharing. I look forward to becoming a better person :)

was going to start work today but i couldnt because of certain misfortunes. it wasnt meant to be

1) the prospect of helping others in the future
2) my brother.  couldnt ask for a nicer brother, literally.
3) my friend wilson. bravely willing to protect the country i live in with his life
4) disappointment. so i can realize what things are important in my life
5) my smile. the ability to pass on a little bit of happiness with a simple facial gesture is amazing

1) my mother. the only person in the world that loves me unconditionally. ive been a bad son long enough and now that im maturing as a man i want to be able to take care of her in the future. im unbelievable grateful to have a mom as perfect as her.
2) bonfires. beautiful and relaxing, they bring me to a place that transports me away from the city. I have many fond memories of them and the people i go with
3) my friends. i only have a few but they are amazing. I have friends that will call me out on my crap but still have my back. they are a mixed bag but overall they are absolutely perfect people.
4) books. Ive only started reading last week and they really brought me out of my depression (though ive recently relapsed into an even deeper abyss). I still havent had the chance to explore this whole new world i was introduced to but im grateful to have finally found it. 
5) L&B. I most likely will not go as much anymore, but im within walking distance and this is nothing to overlook. World-class pizza is at my finger tips. I get to eat pizza so good that others (people from other states) probably have a hard time fathoming.